If your mind has ever stopped mid-argument and you have had a second or two where you just could not figure out what you were “fighting” about, you are not alone. There are a number of reasons this can happen. One cause can be a person’s physical state, which is tied to their emotional state. In “flight or fight” mode, thinking may not be as efficient as usual.
But sometimes, when people stop to ask themselves what they are fighting about, it can be because they know, at some level, that the topic of conversation is not the real cause of the fight. If both parties are upset, it is likely that both have hurt feelings. That both feel rejected or misunderstood or unloved. Unappreciated, under-valued, or not cherished. Or all of these. If the fight is not too far down the usual path, sometimes people are are able to change its usual course with an unexpected gesture of kindness toward their partner. Yes, it is really hard to break those patterns! There are actual people who have really done this though. If that helps.
Part of a long-term solution is creating positive feelings and understanding between partners. Improving communication and understanding. Creating an environment together where both feel loved and secure in the relationship. In the meantime, in that moment when people wonder what they are fighting about or feel a momentary softening of their heart for their partner, sometimes seizing the moment and saying something different, unexpected, and positive can halt the escalation of negativity and hurt.